there was a period in my life where I have to admit that every single aspect of my life was a complete and total mess ya know? I didnt even really recognize the scope of it all until a short time ago when I was going through some of my old things and writings and its completely obvious I wasn’t quite together as I thought I was. I thought I had a handle on the situation but various elements in my life, Shayne, Family, School, they were devouring each-other from each side, and I was stuck in the middle of that threesome. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t blame Shayne, she just happened to be a primary element in my life at the time, (however I do blame my family). But between the Independence I saw that she had, and the independence School took from me, I wanted out of both. I wanted independence, and I wanted a job, and I wanted a car, I wanted to be a adult and have everything line up. When I tried to line one element up, it trashed everything else, and it left me in a sort of limbo of sorts I guess.

Now, I have realized I have to have some sort of focus before things will finally line up. Focus on one thing and damn the rest (mostly). I know I just don’t belong here. I think it hurts to think about these things, somewhere inside of me. But the funny thing about it all is I cant feel it. I know it hurts because when I started to get thinking about these things I started crying. Pretty hard, and I was laughing, I mean I was all “The fuck is this? I am crying and I honestly am not sure why.”

I suppose this should be the spot I talk about relationships. I had something resembling the starts of a relationship I guess, but he didn’t want it to work out I think. I don’t really have the right to go into it to deep, but I knew basically the whole time I was the only one making any REAL effort, then he went and found another guy (who can kiss my ass BTW) Before letting US work out. What ever dude, you want to be friends? Fuck you.

As for life now as well, umm…I am in a stasis of some kind. Stuck between THAT mess and something cleaned up. I am keeping that focus I talked about but its difficult to keep on forward, I have said it before, but I have the biggest problem getting up in the mornings and ya know, just LIVING. No NOT wanting to kill myself, its just things are better when I am laying in bed, listening to some music and just letting life wash over me.

I am sad about some things, I am happy about others. As the song goes:

“Regardless of warnings, the future doesn’t scare me at all. Nothing is like before.”

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